we made out on top of his cat.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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