We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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