I'm eating all of the evidence.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He felt like a one man threesome
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
