Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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