plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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