You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
