i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
