Texts From Last Night

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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.

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  (412): He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower. http://tfl.nu/q9b8
  Replies (26) Good night (1030) Bad night (5809)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (28229) Bad night (1952)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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  (256): I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed. http://tfl.nu/8aru
  Replies (28) Good night (5068) Bad night (1999)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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  (414): He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/wrdx
  Replies (12) Good night (3956) Bad night (958)
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  (716): View more from New York

  You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

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  (716): You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy. http://tfl.nu/mzkt
  Replies (9) Good night (3089) Bad night (981)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.

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  (360): He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish. http://tfl.nu/ae8m
  Replies (11) Good night (3090) Bad night (690)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.

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  (312): I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having. http://tfl.nu/dhko
  Replies (6) Good night (622) Bad night (1582)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth

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  (712): Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth http://tfl.nu/h1gj
  Replies (10) Good night (548) Bad night (1337)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future

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  (561): Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future http://tfl.nu/peo6
  Replies (4) Good night (1000) Bad night (421)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.

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  (785): Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes. http://tfl.nu/4ozu
  Replies (6) Good night (992) Bad night (349)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I think he's speaking German to me now

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly

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  (519): I think he's speaking German to me now (519): Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly http://tfl.nu/dbru
  Replies (1) Good night (808) Bad night (267)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer

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  (954): Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer http://tfl.nu/9id9
  Replies (3) Good night (804) Bad night (209)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The paramedics were not my fault this time.

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  (832): The paramedics were not my fault this time. http://tfl.nu/w1jf
  Replies (2) Good night (465) Bad night (193)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap

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  (+44): I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap http://tfl.nu/nfma
  Replies (2) Good night (493) Bad night (182)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night

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  (860): I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night http://tfl.nu/320l
  Replies (2) Good night (231) Bad night (595)

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