Texts From Last Night

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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (91) Good night (25033) Bad night (1048)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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  (917): I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom. http://tfl.nu/7aa5
  Replies (65) Good night (6391) Bad night (533)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  mine is 'the'.

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  (202): so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'. (703): mine is 'the'. http://tfl.nu/v1g1
  Replies (32) Good night (9069) Bad night (825)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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  (239): When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up. http://tfl.nu/gf96
  Replies (19) Good night (6075) Bad night (824)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week

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  (813): peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week http://tfl.nu/lvga
  Replies (9) Good night (2359) Bad night (1227)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.

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  (719): Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon. http://tfl.nu/ncwf
  Replies (8) Good night (2158) Bad night (751)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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  (828): i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches http://tfl.nu/n6i5
  Replies (4) Good night (2005) Bad night (632)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did she buy you pizza?

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  (610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around. (215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd
  Replies (9) Good night (2262) Bad night (649)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."

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  (208): It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate." (1-208): My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time." http://tfl.nu/9ozo
  Replies (3) Good night (1100) Bad night (510)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex

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  (203): I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex http://tfl.nu/1qp3
  Replies (5) Good night (1681) Bad night (502)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys

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  (516): Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys http://tfl.nu/syhe
  Replies (5) Good night (1151) Bad night (406)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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  (501): I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/edkm
  Replies (6) Good night (941) Bad night (514)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.

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  (+61): I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality. http://tfl.nu/cwc2
  Replies (4) Good night (417) Bad night (392)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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  (321): I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks http://tfl.nu/2gnj
  Replies (4) Good night (791) Bad night (257)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?

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  (403): I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought? http://tfl.nu/gptx
  Replies (1) Good night (341) Bad night (216)

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