the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
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Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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