Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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