cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?