I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
