Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
