theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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