I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
