he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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