i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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