he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
