and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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