Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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