Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
