I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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