hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
How does one acquire holy water?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
