these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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