1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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