Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.