it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.