I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
