i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
