i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
