His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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