what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
