What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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