Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
