OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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