Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
