i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Im part way to drunk.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
