i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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