but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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