We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
