I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
