Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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