I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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