I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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