Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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