I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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