bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
