I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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