At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
