I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
