New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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