Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
