we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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