I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
