Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
