If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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