i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
