remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
