Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
