I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
