apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
