this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
