I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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