I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
