TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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