Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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