We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
