you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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