He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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