I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
