My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
